The Learning Part -- Breakthrough: The End of Terminator

If you had told me that I would feel this way and be in this place a month ago, I would have laughed, or looked at you in astonishment. But here I am, happily announcing that I am done, yes DONE with the Terminator. It's over. Ironic that this month marks a year since we first met. What a year.

No I haven't told him yet, but I don't expect a big drama about it. I think on some level we both knew it at our last meeting because we fucked each other with merciless savagery. And I say that with a smile on my face. But yes, I'm done. How? Why?  It's not that I don't enjoy fucking him, obviously I do. A lot. It's just that my feelings for J. have over-
ridden everything else. Sex with
Terminator is of course amazing, but so is sex with J., and our emotional connection is deep and intense. Being held by J. is practically a religious experience. I feel deeply loved. Calm. Happy. Satisfied. And so Terminator has become unnecessary. Incredible but true.

I have waited to post about this because I wanted to be sure that I really felt this way and that I meant it, and I do. I expected a wave of  emotion and desire to rise up at some point and compel me to contact him, but nothing. I'm done. just like that, after all the angst and the tears. Two weeks have passed without a tryst, I don't want one and I'm fine with it. And no one is more surprised than I am.

I am thankful for the passion that we've shared, and I am a little sentimental about ending things with someone whom I've shared such passionate intensity, but I have no regrets. I did surprise myself the decision. After my last weekend with J., I came back and knew in my gut that I was done with Terminator. I am well-loved and in love.

I think Terminator and J. came into my life at the same time (within months), so that I could see, finally, the unhealthy pattern I had of falling for men who are unavailable somehow inappropriate, and emotionally remote, contrasted with the very healthy and beautiful thing that is real love, real acceptance, real devotion, from J. I knew something important was happening with J. the moment I met him, even though I had never experienced it, and even though I had strong feelings for Terminator at the time.

I needed that time with both of them to learn from them as well as from my reactions to them.  My intense immediate feelings for Terminator were partly oxytocin and partly my usual unhealthy pattern. What a difference this slow burn with J. has been. Every day it becomes more meaningful and intense. The best way I can describe it is that J. is inside my heart. That's how it feels. He is with me always. He has been unwaveringly devoted, kind as well as passionate and wonderful in every way.

Now I see that its important that I walk away from Terminator willingly, not when my six months are up, but because I'm ready to give him up and turn away from my destructive pattern and accept real love and devotion into my life.

Obviously, this outcome is not what I envisioned when I started this blog, but I knew I was working something out with the sexual exploration. The last thing on my mind was settling down with anybody, and the whole idea of a "relationship" gave me hives.  Been there, done that, over it.  I basically wanted to fuck who I wanted, when I wanted and live my life. What's wrong with that?

But love. WARNING: Cliché Approaching:  Love changes everything.  J.'s love is something I feel with every cell in my body, and my love for him is something that I've never experienced. Quiet, profound and intense. I came back from spending the weekend with him and I realized I had no desire or intention to see Terminator or anyone else. Game over.

So is J. "The One?" I know that it would take something/one extraordinary to make me give up my precious freedom at this point in my life. Sometimes extraordinary things last and sometimes they don't, but they are always wonderful. So I'm enjoying it, nurturing it and taking it one day at a time.

Darkness Descends

I mentioned my history of depression way back when I started this blog and have referred to it a couple of times since then, but I haven't gotten into it because I haven't been depressed or on medication since 2011 or the end of 2010, I don't quite recall.

At the beginning of 2012, I still felt great; like a race car read to roll. Full of energy and optimism, I resolved to accomplish a lot and I did. I started dating and fucking again; I started working out again and lost 30 pounds; and professionally I accomplished several goals that I hadn't had the stamina or focus to tackle before. I felt renewed and reborn. I was especially happy because I had been off medication for quite some time.

I told J. fairly quickly about my diagnosis and history with medication, because he needed to know and I needed to make sure he was ok with it. He understood and is fine with it. Around the middle of December, I started feeling...different. I knew immediately that it was coming back and I was infuriated (how could I be depressed? I was getting laid and falling in love!) and in denial. I waited, hoping that I was mistaken and that my ennui and sadness were caused by the weather or something. At some point I recall talking to J. and telling him that I felt funny and that I would probably end up going to the doctor and get back on the meds. We discussed it a bit and he said he supported me in whatever I needed to do to feel healthy.

By the end of the year, I had stopped working out, stopped writing, reading. The only time I was happy was with J. or Terminator, but I realized I was really truly in love with J. late one night when I woke up to go to the bathroom and he popped into my head, along with all the warm fuzzy feelings, and the certainty that it was serious, and what that meant and...then I had a full-blown panic attack. My heart started racing, I started sweating, and my brain was going a mile a minute, until I caught it and stopped myself. I took deep breaths, calmed myself, and splashed cold water on my face until I eventually calmed down. Then I laughed about it. If the thought of true love gave me panic attacks, I was more emotionally fucked up than I imagined.

Finally last month I got back on medication, and I felt a slight improvement immediately, but the drug has to accumulate in your body before an appreciable improvement happens. I am improving but it is sloooow. I hate the wait.

When I mentioned all this to my best friend, she asked me what triggered the descent (there is usually a trigger). I thought and thought, but couldn't come up with anything, until a few days later, when, feeling better, I decided to clean out my email inboxes and discovered that I stopped working and doing research around the time of my last tryst with the Terminator. And it all became clear.

At that December meeting with Terminator I told him about J. and that it would be our last time together. Deep down, I had wanted him to fight for me, to tell me he loved me and wanted me exclusively, to claim me and ask for a relationship. I wanted him to express the emotion his body conveys to me in words and action. I wanted this even though I love J., even though I know Terminator is in no way monogamous. It was completely unreasonable, but that is how I felt. And of course, he didn't say anything of the kind. So I was hit with the reality that we were over (or soon would be). And letting him go (emotionally) sent me over the edge.

When I realized this, it made perfect sense. It was a pattern. My entire life, whenever a relationship ended I fall into a deep, deep depression. It stems from my father's abandonment, an event that scarred me so deeply that here I am, forty years after the fact, suffering. But I am always falling hard for the guy who can't or won't love me the way I deserve, like my father. I have to let that go, love the man who does love me and is proving it every day and in every way.

I'm ready to do that now.

Cocooning

A couple of days after that amazing tryst with the Terminator I was off to spend a couple of days with J. It had been almost a month since we had been able to have a weekend together and we were excited.
We talk and text everyday, sometimes Skype at night and when I have space in my schedule we spend a day together (he's off work until June), but I always have to run home for my son. We hadn't spend an entire night together in about a month.

We had all sorts of plans, places to go, drives to take etc. Within minutes of arriving at his place I was undressed (as was he) and we were curled up on the sofa watching movies, and caressing each other, in a state of bliss I've never experienced before. When he wrapped his arms around me I actually said, "God, I'm home, I'm home." It's like my entire life is an obstacle to being with him, in his arms.

We lay naked and spooning with his arms around me for a long time, in a state of contentment and bliss so profound it was practically transcendental. All we needed or wanted was to be in each other's arms, skin to skin. Our languorous arousal was constant but without urgency. We played with each other, satisfied each other and would return to our blissful embrace.  This lasted all weekend. We didn't get dressed until Monday, when I had to go back home.

After what happened last time with the toy I decided I wouldn't use it again until we had worked out his issues with it. We would just play without it, and I would have to forgo penetration. It turned out to be the best decision because he was more relaxed, playful and after an amazing session gave me multiple orgasms using just two fingers (yes, he's talented), then he slipped on a condom and fucked me into a coma. Wonderful. Ironic. Horny.

I really believe that everything happens for a reason, and I think that the reason Terminator and J. are both in my life at the same time is so that I can see clearly for the first time, the difference between a real relationship and...whatever the thing with Terminator is, which is my pattern.  J. and I are slowly falling deeply in love, and for the first time I know what that looks like and feels like, and its beautiful. Every day I'm more positive that Terminator and I will end in three months (this year is flying by), without regrets. Well maybe a little regret. But ending it won't be painful, because I'm giving him up for something wonderful.

More Thursday Afternoon Terminator

 He slid his 10+ inches (I think it's closer to 12), into my tight, wet pussy.

That moment of connection is always sublime, when he pushes his cock into me up to the hilt and stops, holy mother, we both moan from the pure delicousness. We look at each other and and start fucking slowly, melting into each other with the intense pleasure, rocking a rhythm we're not even aware of.  As I tighten around him and he pulses inside me, I want him deep inside me, deeper than he's going right now and I grab his ass so that with each thrust I push him deeper into me while greedily thrusting up to meet him. It is sooo good, my pussy clenches around him and I start getting I feel him hitting me deep inside, and I'm almost at that delicious point, but it's just out of reach. Just when I want it harder, he pulls almost all the way out, leaving just his tip in. I groan in protest, looking down at his gorgeous glistening tool, and I want it back where it belongs, deep inside me. I squirm under him.

"You want it deeper baby?" he asks, kissing the protest from my lips, biting me, biting and licking my neck. "Mmmmm yes, yes." I whisper, panting, licking his neck, biting his lip. I can feel his pulse beating in my pussy, his head throbbing. He waits, while I whimper, and bite him, moaning for more, but all he does is smile that lazy smile.  He doesn't move.

Then he slams into me, and I scream, oh god, yes (slam) yes (slam) yes (slam) -- hitting that spot deep inside me that launches my squirting and delicious orgasms and on occasion both simultaneously. Like now. With each thrust my pussy closes around him like a vise, and I ride and pump the luscious wave of intensity thrusting back at him until it subsides. He softens his stroke and shifts somehow and the pressure on my clit explodes into another series of  shivery orgasms that take me by surprise. He holds me close, rocking against me (and still inside me) until they subside.

He is still hard, still inside me. Still thrusting. It's still delicious, tight, wet, and neither of us have had enough. We're insatiable together, no matter how often or how hard we come.  I close my eyes, carried away by the sensation and we curl around each other, thrusting against each other moaning, grunting in pleasure. He kisses me hungrily and I whisper: "Hurt me."

He turns me over, but I'm all twitchy and can barely turn over. While I'm still on my side, he shoves up behind me and slides into me from behind, and starts to pump me like a man possessed. His thrusts conquer me with that intoxicating combination of pleasure and pain that I had never known until him. He pounded me into another amazing climax, and as I thrust against him greedy for it, I thought it was possible we could hurt each other or die from the intensity.

We lay in a tangle of  limbs and sweat and sheets. We slept.  There is nothing like that sleep after sexual exhaustion.

I woke up to the sensation of him tracing lazy circles around my belly button with his finger.  We smiled. I stretched under his hands. He started to put another condom on, and I said, "Oh no," because I was incredulous. "Oh yes," he replied, sliding his cock into me in one smooth delicious thrust.
"Do you really think you can walk away from this, from us after six months?" he asked. In response, my pussy grabbed him and my hips tilted up to his. My brain could form only one thought. More.

Thursday Afternoon Terminator

When I got home after our last tryst, it hurt to sit down.

Now that I'm in a relationship and no longer a threat to his agenda, Terminator is much more unguarded and expressive than before. He answers texts and calls immediately, and makes himself available within 24-hours if necessary. This was unheard of before. He is also sweet, affectionate and funny in texts and calls, in stark contrast to the laconic, humorless style of communicating he uses to fend off emotional involvement. It's like night and day, and I realized just how much he has been hiding.

He met me at the door with his lop-sided smile and a weariness around the eyes. "What's the matter?" I asked.
"I was out late last night, I didn't get enough sleep," he says, helping me off with my coat.
"Why didn't you tell me, we could have rescheduled," I say. Like Hell.

"I wanted to see you," he says and takes me in his arms for a big hug.

Hugging the Terminator is like patting a killer shark on the head. You're just waiting for the moment he overpowers and devours you.  But he was all sweetness and affection, squeezing canoodling and in short, being the sweet and affectionate guy he really is. Even though I knew it to be there, it's still a surprise. He is usually so guarded.

In the bedroom, he lay me down and undressed me as if he was unwrapping a mystery. Slowly, carefully, watching me intently, with a serious expression on his face. He lay next to me and we kissed, and our bodies automatically tangled around each other like two vines. There wasn't a molecule of air between us. The kisses, soft, sweet and intimate, feel different. I'm not in the kiss. I'm aware of it, and that tells me I've changed somehow. But I still want him.

He starts kissing my breasts and nipples, my stomach and worked his way down to my pussy, where he landed with a vengeance.  I don't know how many times I came, or how long he enjoyed me, but I was a quivering mess when he was done. No he gave me seizures. Just wave after wave of pleasure, but so soft and sweet it was...beautiful.  

By the time he slid is perfect cock into me, I was dying to be fucked, and not sweetly.(to be continued)

The Toy...is a problem

As I said here before, just because J. gave me permission to step out on him because of what happened, doesn't mean he was really o.k. with it. I knew he wasn't, but he loves me and doesn't want me to feel trapped. I love him for this, among other things.
My initial horror at the idea of six months of celibacy gave way to the realization that I really love J. and that this experience could deepen things between us. It could also mean that we could enjoy each other in other ways.  I thought that we would learn all sorts of ways to please each other and expand a little, use it as a learning experience and have fun. So I ended things with Terminator in December with that in mind, and also because I love J.

So what happens? J's interest in exploration is cool, but he is resentful of the toy. Granted, he told me he would be, but I wasn't prepared for his very apparent...sulking, when I introduce it. I have to stop myself from laughing at his expression. This is not some life-like ginormous dildo or anything like that. It's a pink, curvy vibrator that should not be threatening in the least. Except it is.

I thought I had done all the right things to make it easier for him. During the first few weeks, I concentrated on the both of us, and we started exploring each other and pleasuring each other as I had hoped. All nice and beautiful, although I found that clitoral and nipple orgasms just make me want to be fucked. It actually hurts. I told him about it but I waited a little while, and then I used it on him first as a prostrate massager. We included the toy in a couple of sessions after we had played together without it. Things went well until I told him I needed the vaginal orgasm. The first time he he was a little resistant, but he helped me orgasm with it which was fantastic.  I thought we were on our way to enlightenment, but the last time we were together he actually pulled it out of me saying "I can't take it anymore," and tried to fuck me himself (after putting on a condom), but he had already come twice before while we were playing, so no wood.  So he gets up and goes to the shower, leaving me....pissed. Extremely.

He wouldn't discuss it, even later, except to say it was no big thing and that everything would be fine. But from that moment I knew that I would be contacting the Terminator (see previous post) and that I would have to keep it from J. If he became this upset about a pink vibrator, another man could make him homicidal.  I know that he understands me and my appetite, but  he can't help the way he feels. He's struggling to deal with this and all the other things associated with this situation, so after an initial period of anger and frustration, I've decided to accept things for the moment and be the understanding, supportive girlfriend (yes, I can do that).  No toy, and he will get most, if not all of the orgasms. I will have the Terminator, occasionally.

Terminator: Reunion

We were expecting a nor'easter. A blizzard with hurricane force winds, and it had started earlier than expected that Friday morning with freezing rain. It was a miserable day. A day to make a hot soup and stay in.
I ran around getting dressed like a crazy person, my casual sexy outfit changed to blizzard wear, because I was going -- despite the distance and the weather -- to meet the Terminator. It had been a month since I had had sex and I couldn't take it anymore. I broke down and emailed him and here we were, meeting a few days later.

Suddenly my phone trilled with a text alert. It was him, offering to cancel if I wanted to because of the weather. "I haven't been laid in a month," I responded. "Hell no." I'm not exactly coy.  I was


concerned about being able to getting there and back before the storm got seriously bad. Our meeting would have to be brief, and I was annoyed. Brief for us is 2 to 3 hours. Normal is 4 and up. But I digress.

He opened the door and kissed me hello, helped me hang up my wet things and as he followed me up the stairs, his eyes were on my ass and legs. We were chatting about the email in which I explained I had permission. He asked me how long I had waited.  "A month isn't bad," he said, laughing.

"Shut up," I said, laughing too. He took me in his arms and started kissing me, as we sank onto the bed. We took our time, making out, hugging, holding each other, nuzzling, biting each other, inhaling and really appreciating each other. After all, we both thought the last time was the last time.

I smiled as he lay me on the bed and carefully undressed me, kissing my body as he went. Soft kisses at the base of my throat, trailing down to my belly-button as he undid my blouse. Soft licks and kisses to the inside of my wrist, elbow and shoulder as he removed my blouse. Then my mouth again, as he unbuttoned and unzipped my pants. He slid off my pants and panties, and then...

His smooth cheek against my inner thigh as he bends to kiss my pussy. He licks me softly, teasing the pleasure, the desire, out of me, becoming more insistent as my hips moved against him, seeking more pleasure. His lips surround my clit and stay there, while his tongue softly teases harder and more insistently until I explode, grinding against him, moaning, panting, and screaming. Oh yeah.

We kissed as he got in bed with me and our limbs tangled around each other in the afterglow. The snow was falling heavily outside, but we were all warm and cosy. We smiled and laughed. "So I get you for six months," he said. "What am I going to do with you for six months?"
"Anything you want," I said. Pretty much. He knows what my limits are and I trust him with that.

"We're going to be seeing each other more often now", he said, kissing my neck, my breasts.
"Is that a fact?" I say. He smiles. We have six months to play and we're going to make the most of it.

His long beautiful cock slides into me and pussy sucks him in like she's been waiting for him for ages. We start fucking slowly, aware of every move and sensation, incredulous at how amazingly good it feels. As he slides more deeply into me, I can''t get over how good it feels, how amazing yet how right, a combination of satisfaction and hunger. Oh yes, yes. More. Deeper. Harder. Yes, yes.  I'm on a cloud of horny bliss as he is pounding me and we're moaning, howling together it's so good, when he stops pumping and says:

"What are you thinking right now?"

What? What the fuck????  I hope the total panic I feel isn't noticeable on my face. "That you belong inside me," I say. True enough. He says nothing (interesting), and we continue fucking, amazingly as always.

But haven't we talked about this? Aren't we agreed that it can't work between us??? Isn't he still fucking other women? Hell there was a box someone's perfume on the bureau across the room (this had never happened before. there was never a trace of anyone else in the house). And he's asking me what I'm thinking? Why? And if he does want something more serious, why not come out and say it? He knows how I feel, I never hid it from him.  I have six weeks to figure it out.

The Booty Bag

Recently I've heard from some female readers that they have been inspired by my journey to get back out on the sexual scene after a long hiatus. This is wonderful news! I'm so happy for you, please let me know how it goes. It feels so good to be the impetus for women to claim and explore their very powerful sexuality! Be safe and enjoy.

Your health and satisfaction should be your primary concerns so make sure that you get tested (for all stds) before or soon after you start playing so that you know your status. Then continue to do so. I get tested every three months since I started playing, even though I use condoms without fail. Also, have your birth control situation taken care of and under control.

I have a booty bag which holds all necessities I need on my adventures. It's a good idea for any woman with an active sex life. Mine is a medium Ziploc bag which I throw inside whichever purse I'm using at the time. You can also use a make-up bag yours, if you don't want the contents to be visible.

Booty Bag Essentials
Condoms
take several types and a couple of flavored ones if you use them to give blow jobs. Take both latex and non-latex ones in case your guy claims an "allergy" to latex. I actually am  allergic to latex so I use Skyns, which are fabulous.

Dental Dams
I don't use these, because they completely slipped my mind when I first started fucking around, but they offer great protection while you're being pleasured orally. And actually they can be fun to play around with if you find the right guy. Sheer Glyde is a popular brand.

Lubricant
This is as important as the condoms. It is a myth that a pussy is always wet when aroused -- sometimes she is and sometimes she's not. Lube makes everything smoother, sexier and more pleasurable. I like natural oils since I use non-latex condoms. Almond oil and coconut oil are my favorites. If you use latex condoms, try Sliquid lubes. They are amazing, and come in little "pillow packs" that you can toss in your bag.

Baby Wipes
Yes, really. Something made me toss a travel pack of baby wipes in my booty bag the first time I hooked up with the Terminator, and they were a lifesaver. After four or five hours of amazing, toe-curling sex, I needed a shower, but didn't have time. I cleaned up top to bottom with the wipes and was fresh as a baby when I picked up my son at soccer practice.

Mini Deodorant
Because great sex makes you sweat.

Hair Tamer
Your hair will get wild. Make sure you have whatever you need to make it presentable again. My hair gets so crazy it becomes a joke with the guys I sleep with. I have to wet it to make it presentable again.

Mini toothbrush
Because, you cannot kiss your kids with that mouth, come on now. Ew.

Panties
Because sometimes a horny guy will tear them off you with his teeth...

And if you love sex but need to have a vibrator or dildo stimulating you at the same time in order to orgasm, fine. Take that with you too. Show him how to use it on you.

Other than that, take a sense of fun with you, communicate your needs and don't do anything you're not comfortable with. Walk away if it doesn't feel right, but ladies, enjoy the hell out of it if it does!