I will be fine for long stretches. Happy with J. Happy with everything, and then it hits me like a rogue wave out of nowhere...an intense, visceral twisting stab of longing so strong it sometimes leaves me out of breath. Sometimes in tears. I've had to stop myself many, many times from writing him and telling him about J., that I have permission now, so to speak. Why do I stop? Because if I do this, it will irrevocably damage my relationship with J. When he gave me a pass, he wanted to make things easier for me, but when I questioned him about it...it would tear him up inside, and I don't want to do that.
And my feelings for Terminator are not minor. Emotions would intensify and complicate things, so...no. But sometime I am hit by a flashback -- our last time, we're panting, sweaty, fused together, his hot breath on my neck, his cock so deep inside it hurts, and the our eyes meet. That kiss. Jesus, that kiss. And I am destroyed.
Sex and emotions are hard to separate. Casual sex is not so casual all the time. Sorry for you and sorry for "J". I also suspect, even if you move on -beyond T and J, that this kind of issue will come up again for you. Sampling all the candy in the store is an amazing experience yes? but it makes it hard to choose (settle for) just one kind?
ReplyDeleteDon't be sorry for J and I, we're happy and we're in love. Sex and emotions are hard to separate, but my problem is accepting that Terminator and I won't work for various reasons, despite the amazing sexual connection.
DeleteI was sorry for the tears. Sorry for both you and J that you still had desires/needs for T. However, let me ask you something beyond sex - something more difficult to write about. What does "in love" mean to you? How do you define loving someone or being loved in a male female relationship. is it exclusive in that sense, can you be in love with more than one man at a time? Is sex always part of it? Does J share your definition or belief on love (that would be a good discussion) Perhaps conversely what would you consider not being loving?
ReplyDeleteYou ask a good question, and one I will post about in the future. My feelings for both men are completely separate; my feelings for one don't affect the other because they are very different. But yes, I would classify them both as love.
DeleteMy feelings for Terminator are the kind of intense immediate emotion that I have a pattern of falling into and that has been unhealthy for me in the past.
My feelings for J. are a much deeper, truer love, which has been building gradually, the way a love relationship should. I've never had this kind of relationship and it is very new and unsettling for me. But I do value and treasure it and want to preserve it. That is why I'm trying to leave the Terminator
I look forward to your writing. I think many different people define love differently. Is it a feeling? is it actions? is it connecting? or honesty? or commitment ? Or ? How many times has this exchange taken place after a blowup between a couple " how could you ......I thought you loved me!?... what? ....but I do love you!.. No you don't ! Because you ... and thats not love to me !"
ReplyDelete