Two Men, One Woman, Two Different Kinds of Love

Someone asked in the comments section how I defined love and whether I could really love J. and the Terminator at the same time:

What does "in love" mean to you? How do you define loving someone or being loved in a male female relationship. is it exclusive in that sense, can you be in love with more than one man at a time? Is sex always part of it? Does J share your definition or belief on love (that would be a good discussion) Perhaps conversely what would you consider not being loving?

Setting aside the judgmental undertone, I think it's a valid question and topic for discussion. When I met the Terminator I wasn't looking for love or a relationship. I had started fucking around and wanted to continue on that path indefinitely, which is the reason I started this blog.  However, our first meeting was so intensely spectacular that neither of us could believe it. The feelings exploded all over everything before we knew what was happening. It was crazy. I knew something was happening by the time we took a pause in the proceedings halfway through our first tryst, although I tried to ignore it and be casual. I could see by the way he looked at me that he felt it too, and when he asked me what I was thinking, I thought, but didn't admit: DANGER, do not enter. It was too much, too soon. When we both changed our numbers and lost touch before our next meeting, I thought I would never see him again and I almost had a nervous breakdown. That was when I knew I was in trouble (love).

We continued to see each other (and other people) but I didn't want a relationship and told him so. Nevertheless, my feelings intensified, fed by nothing more than our amazing physical connection. This is the destructive pattern of my past relationships which have all started with intense sexual heat and later fizzle out painfully. This type of love always hits me like a ton of bricks and never leads to anything good because the object is always someone emotionally remote or unavailable.

When I met J. we were both looking for something casual, but the minute I saw him, I knew it wouldn't be. It was a premonition. Our first date was supposed to be three hours and turned into an entire day. The feelings I have for him are something entirely new to me. A deep calm and security. A fiery but quiet sexiness. I knew I wanted to get to know him, but I was fighting my attachment to the Terminator at the same time. When J. told me he wanted to be exclusive, I told him I wanted to wait and also told him I was trying to get over someone. He told me to take all the time I needed, that he wouldn't be going anywhere. My respect for him increased a hundred-fold, and I knew then that I wanted to stay with him and nurture the relationship.

I find it scary and fascinating to feel love and appreciation grow and strengthen over time, at the same time enjoying a fierce sexual heat. He is the calm, steady and reasonable to my emotional intensity and creativity. He understands me. I feel accepted and loved in a way that I've never experienced. Completely and unconditionally. The more I know him, the more I love him. He is kind, strong, honorable, intelligent and funny. Sexy. I love him more every day, and this is something I've never experienced. This is the healthy, real love I have never had, the slow build that results in long-lasting relationships. Although I wasn't looking for it, the love relationship happened and I'm embracing it. It's beautiful.

Terminator is my pattern: heat, anxiety, unavailability. J. is the long-lasting slow burn. They are both powerful, but only one of them is emotionally healthy and right for me. My involvement with Terminator has to end because I want to be exclusive with J. and promised him I would be. Now with J.'s injury and offer to allow me to step out, I'm tempted to see Terminator again a few times.

To answer the rest of that question above, for me, yes, sex is always part of a love relationship. I have a strong sex drive and don't apologize for it. The six-months it will take J. to be cleared for take-off is a big deal to me because before 2012 I was celibate for almost ten years, and after we met I had the whole crazy uterus deal for a few months, so our sex life had already been interrupted. This all may be the universe's way of testing my feelings for this man. If I can hang in there while the thing I like most (a hard cock) is taken away, then the feelings are for real. Does my love for him outweigh my need to be fucked (hard) regularly? This is soooo hard to admit. Not yet.