Saturday, March 23, 2013

The Learning Part -- Breakthrough: The End of Terminator

If you had told me that I would feel this way and be in this place a month ago, I would have laughed, or looked at you in astonishment. But here I am, happily announcing that I am done, yes DONE with the Terminator. It's over. Ironic that this month marks a year since we first met. What a year.

No I haven't told him yet, but I don't expect a big drama about it. I think on some level we both knew it at our last meeting because we fucked each other with merciless savagery. And I say that with a smile on my face. But yes, I'm done. How? Why?  It's not that I don't enjoy fucking him, obviously I do. A lot. It's just that my feelings for J. have over-
ridden everything else. Sex with
Terminator is of course amazing, but so is sex with J., and our emotional connection is deep and intense. Being held by J. is practically a religious experience. I feel deeply loved. Calm. Happy. Satisfied. And so Terminator has become unnecessary. Incredible but true.

I have waited to post about this because I wanted to be sure that I really felt this way and that I meant it, and I do. I expected a wave of  emotion and desire to rise up at some point and compel me to contact him, but nothing. I'm done. just like that, after all the angst and the tears. Two weeks have passed without a tryst, I don't want one and I'm fine with it. And no one is more surprised than I am.

I am thankful for the passion that we've shared, and I am a little sentimental about ending things with someone whom I've shared such passionate intensity, but I have no regrets. I did surprise myself the decision. After my last weekend with J., I came back and knew in my gut that I was done with Terminator. I am well-loved and in love.

I think Terminator and J. came into my life at the same time (within months), so that I could see, finally, the unhealthy pattern I had of falling for men who are unavailable somehow inappropriate, and emotionally remote, contrasted with the very healthy and beautiful thing that is real love, real acceptance, real devotion, from J. I knew something important was happening with J. the moment I met him, even though I had never experienced it, and even though I had strong feelings for Terminator at the time.

I needed that time with both of them to learn from them as well as from my reactions to them.  My intense immediate feelings for Terminator were partly oxytocin and partly my usual unhealthy pattern. What a difference this slow burn with J. has been. Every day it becomes more meaningful and intense. The best way I can describe it is that J. is inside my heart. That's how it feels. He is with me always. He has been unwaveringly devoted, kind as well as passionate and wonderful in every way.

Now I see that its important that I walk away from Terminator willingly, not when my six months are up, but because I'm ready to give him up and turn away from my destructive pattern and accept real love and devotion into my life.

Obviously, this outcome is not what I envisioned when I started this blog, but I knew I was working something out with the sexual exploration. The last thing on my mind was settling down with anybody, and the whole idea of a "relationship" gave me hives.  Been there, done that, over it.  I basically wanted to fuck who I wanted, when I wanted and live my life. What's wrong with that?

But love. WARNING: Cliché Approaching:  Love changes everything.  J.'s love is something I feel with every cell in my body, and my love for him is something that I've never experienced. Quiet, profound and intense. I came back from spending the weekend with him and I realized I had no desire or intention to see Terminator or anyone else. Game over.

So is J. "The One?" I know that it would take something/one extraordinary to make me give up my precious freedom at this point in my life. Sometimes extraordinary things last and sometimes they don't, but they are always wonderful. So I'm enjoying it, nurturing it and taking it one day at a time.

4 comments:

  1. Wow. Ms Behaves you are fierce with a capital F! You hear me? Just reading your blog posts for March has taken me on an amazing journey of self discovery and has encouraged me to do the same. While I thank you so so much for sharing and inspiring, I recognize that learning so many unvarnished truths about a beloved one would be way too much for a man (probably for a woman too) so I hope you don't plan to share with J. or Terminator. This blog and this year long journey has truly been a learning for YOU. I'm so happy for you. Truly. Continued best wishes.

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    1. Thank you so much for your support! Writing here has helped me figure things out and it's a great bonus that the women reading it are inspired and empowered.
      And don't worry, I won't be telling J. any details about my journey.
      In particular, I want women who are disconnected from their sexuality and/or emotional issues to read this blog and realize that change and happiness are always possible as long as you're willing to do the work. I was in therapy for a few years, which gave me the tools to work out the issues I dealt with this year, although I had no idea where my journey would take me. Thank you again and good luck!

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  2. Why not tell him about your Journey? Isn't true love about knowing someone, deeply and intimately? Can't your sexual joy, experiences and all aspects of your life journey be known and accepted by the one who truly loves?

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    1. Excellent point. J. knows about my past in general terms - the sexual exploration, that there was someone I had feelings for when we met, etc. But I think details would only cause needless hurt and jealousy; I chose him, I love him.
      He accepts me completely - and is very familiar with my sexual joy. ;)

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