No I haven't told him yet, but I don't expect a big drama about it. I think on some level we both knew it at our last meeting because we fucked each other with merciless savagery. And I say that with a smile on my face. But yes, I'm done. How? Why? It's not that I don't enjoy fucking him, obviously I do. A lot. It's just that my feelings for J. have over-
ridden everything else. Sex with
Terminator is of course amazing, but so is sex with J., and our emotional connection is deep and intense. Being held by J. is practically a religious experience. I feel deeply loved. Calm. Happy. Satisfied. And so Terminator has become unnecessary. Incredible but true.
I have waited to post about this because I wanted to be sure that I really felt this way and that I meant it, and I do. I expected a wave of emotion and desire to rise up at some point and compel me to contact him, but nothing. I'm done. just like that, after all the angst and the tears. Two weeks have passed without a tryst, I don't want one and I'm fine with it. And no one is more surprised than I am.
I am thankful for the passion that we've shared, and I am a little sentimental about ending things with someone whom I've shared such passionate intensity, but I have no regrets. I did surprise myself the decision. After my last weekend with J., I came back and knew in my gut that I was done with Terminator. I am well-loved and in love.
I think Terminator and J. came into my life at the same time (within months), so that I could see, finally, the unhealthy pattern I had of falling for men who are unavailable somehow inappropriate, and emotionally remote, contrasted with the very healthy and beautiful thing that is real love, real acceptance, real devotion, from J. I knew something important was happening with J. the moment I met him, even though I had never experienced it, and even though I had strong feelings for Terminator at the time.
I needed that time with both of them to learn from them as well as from my reactions to them. My intense immediate feelings for Terminator were partly oxytocin and partly my usual unhealthy pattern. What a difference this slow burn with J. has been. Every day it becomes more meaningful and intense. The best way I can describe it is that J. is inside my heart. That's how it feels. He is with me always. He has been unwaveringly devoted, kind as well as passionate and wonderful in every way.
Now I see that its important that I walk away from Terminator willingly, not when my six months are up, but because I'm ready to give him up and turn away from my destructive pattern and accept real love and devotion into my life.
Obviously, this outcome is not what I envisioned when I started this blog, but I knew I was working something out with the sexual exploration. The last thing on my mind was settling down with anybody, and the whole idea of a "relationship" gave me hives. Been there, done that, over it. I basically wanted to fuck who I wanted, when I wanted and live my life. What's wrong with that?
But love. WARNING: Cliché Approaching: Love changes everything. J.'s love is something I feel with every cell in my body, and my love for him is something that I've never experienced. Quiet, profound and intense. I came back from spending the weekend with him and I realized I had no desire or intention to see Terminator or anyone else. Game over.
So is J. "The One?" I know that it would take something/one extraordinary to make me give up my precious freedom at this point in my life. Sometimes extraordinary things last and sometimes they don't, but they are always wonderful. So I'm enjoying it, nurturing it and taking it one day at a time.